The Geekado
by Mariner
Summary: Season 4 of Buffy, as done by Gilbert & Sullivan
1. The Geekado -- Act 1

# The Geekado

## or, The Town of Sunnydale

### Libretto by Mariner

### Music by Arthur Sullivan

  


## Act 1, Part 1

* * *

_Scene -- UC Sunnydale campus. A chorus of FANGEEKS frolics on the lawn,doing the Dorky!dance._

> **Fangeeks:**  
  
If you want to know who we are,  
We are fangeeks from mailing lists,  
We have set our VCRs  
To tape all the shows we've missed.  
Whether the plots make sense or they dont,  
We'll dissect them from back to front,  
You're wrong if you think we won't, oh!  
  
If you think we'll no longer post  
Just because it's rerun heck,  
Then you're more naive than most,  
'Cause we'll post all sort of dreck,  
Perhaps you think this fic  
Is just a one-post trick,  
If that's you're idea you're thick, oh!  
  
If you want to know who we are,  
We are fangeeks from mailing lists,  
Writing fic, 'cause we're sick,  
Many, many, many, many fic, oh!  


_Enter RILEY FINN, looking lost_  
  
**Riley:**  Excuse me, could someone tell me where I might find Buffy Summers? About this high, blonde, kind of peculiar?  
  
**Voice from crowd:** Who wants to know?  
  
**Riley:**Come over here and I'll tell you.  


_sings_

> A new arrival I,  
I'm living in a bubble,  
All forms of grief and trouble  
have so far passed me by.  
I have no murky past,  
No dirty secrets hidden,  
I'm not at all angst-ridden,  
I should be running fast.  
  
Just because I never learned to brood,  
You know I'm doomed.  
(It's hopeless, hopeless.)  
Normal people on this show are screwed,  
You know I'm doomed,  
(It's hopeless, hopeless)  
Doesn't matter if I stay alert,  
Or how good I look without a shirt,  
Somehow I will I wind up eating dirt,  
My future looms.  
(It's hopeless, hopeless)  
  
But I wouldn't yet start reaching for the tissues,  
I know that in the end I'll be all right,  
For whenever Buffy's love life is at issue,  
The boyfriend always must survive the fight.  
I know that I've been chosen for a reason,  
I'm tough enough to handle the abuse.  
My contract is extended through next season... _(pause, blink)_  
Why is everybody looking so amused?  
  
And if you wish for a year-long arc  
With many a twist and turn,  
With logic murky, muddled and dark,  
Where the end result doesn't quite hit the mark,  
We've got storylines to burn.  
  
To play with military toys  
Is Joss's whim this year,  
With abrupt and inconsistent ploys,  
And conflict tame,  
And a villain lame,  
But some damn good-looking boys, yes sir!  
That's what you'll be getting here.  
  
A new arrival I... etc.  
  


_Enter Xander_  
  
**Xander**: And what do you want with Buffy?  
  
**Riley**: It's like this: one night I was hanging out at The Bronze with my amazingly good-looking frat-boy friends, when I saw Buffy on the dance floor.  I was immediately smitten, and wanted to approach her, but I'd heard about her watcher, Giles.  My endearing farmboy naivete, combined with exposure to certain kinds of fan fiction, made me believe that he was the love interest, so reluctantly backed off.  
  
**Xander**: Man, you _are_ clueless, aren't you?  
  
**Riley**:  I'm working on it.  Anyway, you can imagine how thrilled I was to find out that Giles was only the mentor father-figure.  I decided to come right back to Sunnydale, and present myself as a potential love interest.  
  
**Xander**: I hate to tell you this, but you're shit out of luck.  See, over the summer, we got this new directive from Joss--  
  
**Riley**: _(wide-eyed)_ The Geekado?  
  
**Xander**: Himself.  Let me tell you all about it. 

_sings_

> Our great Geekado, sadistic man,  
When he to write this show began,  
Resolved to try  
A plan whereby  
We'd all be made to suffer.  
So he decided on the spot,  
Refusing any ifs or buts,  
To give each one of us a plot,  
To make our lives much tougher.  
  
By this decision we'll abide,  
For he was right to so decide,  
And I am right, and you are right,  
And all is right, we say with pride!  
  
**Chorus**: And I am right, and you are right, etc...  
  
**Xander:**  
This harsh decision, as you know,  
Caused lots of fear throughout the show,  
A sense of dread  
Each week would spread,  
It was to be expected.  
As all our lives went down the drain,  
With never-ending angst and pain,  
Believe me when I tell you plain,  
We'd rather be dissected.  
  
I'm sure you see as I explain  
That we are right to thus complain,  
And I am right, and you are right,  
Oh yes, we're all quite right again.  
  
**Chorus**: And I am right, and you are right, etc...  
  
**Xander:**  
But time went on and it transpired  
That even Joss can become tired.  
He's led us well through pain and hell  
To high school graduation.  
And then he told us, hey guess what,  
The sky is blue, the beach is hot,  
Get Giles to write you all a plot,  
I'm going on vacation.  
  
And I am sure that we all know  
That he was right to tell us so,  
And I am right, and you are right,  
And all is right, woo-hoo, ho-ho!  
  
**Chorus**: And I am right, and you are right, etc...  
  


_Exeunt Chorus.  Enter SPIKE_  
  
**Riley**: One of the characters is writing this year's plot?  That's way too metaphysical for me.  
  
**Spike**: It wouldn't be so bad if Giles wasn't such a wuss.  
  
**Xander**: He's a nice guy.  
  
**Spike**: Like I said.  Anyway, he's way too wussy to actually make any of his friends suffer, which kind of cuts down on the plot possibilities, know what I mean?  _(grumpily)_  Joss should've asked me to take over -- I would've made everybody suffer lots.  
  
**Riley**: Hey, aren't you a vampire?  Why are you hanging out in daylight, albeit in a shady spot?  And shouldn't you be trying to kill us or something?  
  
**Spike**: I should.  And two years ago, I would've.  I started out as a villain, you see.  But it wasn't long before everyone noticed that I was incredibly cool.  
  
**Riley**: Yes, I've noticed that myself.  
  
**Spike**: My coolness prevented me from being killed off as all villains should be.  However, I couldn't remain on the show in my former capacity.  So I had to take over the job of snarky comic relief.  Reluctatly, I accepted the position, humiliating as it was.  
  
**Riley**: Along with the multi-year contract and a spot in the opening credits? How self-sacrificing of you.  
  
**Spike**: And don't you forget it.  By the way, it's also sometimes my job to provide important exposition.  It's a really dull task, and I don't think they pay me nearly enough for it.  _(Riley takes the hint, slips him some cash)_  _(Aside, to camera)_ That's still not much of an improvement.  _(To Riley)_ I can tell you this much, you can forget about boinking Buffy.  Giles has decided that all of everyone's misery the past three years came from Buffy's love life.  So she's not getting any this season.  
  


_sings_

> Forget it, dude,  
Be much afraid,  
Your life is screwed,  
You won't get laid.  
Yes, be afraid,  
Your fate is made,  
Your love life will be dull and stale.  
For Buffy's plot is written by  
Our new big shot,  
Ex-Watcher Guy.  
Prepare to fry,  
Kiss sex good-bye,  
So says Ex-Watcher Guy of Sunnydale.  
Evil spells may spell  
And vamps may bite,  
And the mouth of Hell  
May gape each night,  
But there will be no romance in the tale  
By Ex-Watcher Guy of Sunnydale.  
  
**Spike and Riley:** Evil spells may spell, etc.  
  
**Spike:**  
It's a hopeless case,  
You know I'm right.  
So quit the race,  
Give up the fight.  
You should take flight,  
Leave town tonight,  
Flee over hill and over dale.  
Your quest for love  
You must abort,  
Attempt no move  
To woo or court,  
Your leash is short,  
You won't cavort  
With the Slayer chick from Sunnydale.  
  
**All**: Evil spells may spell, etc.  
  


_Exit Xander._   
  
_Recitation, Riley and Spike._   
  
**Riley**: From Iowa to Sunnydale I've travelled.  
           To find all my romantic hopes unravelled,  
          For Buffy's love life is on hold this season.  
  
**Spike**: I'm hoping that you comprehend the reason.  
            But if you don't, stay tuned, don't change the station,  
           For here comes Giles to give and explanation.  
  
_Enter GILES and a chorus of TOWNSPEOPLE_  
  


> **Chorus:**  
Behold, Ex-Watcher Guy of Sunnydale,  
The man in charge of this year's plot.  
He could put us in a droll or funny tale,  
Or send us all to hell to rot.  
All Hail!  All Hail!  
The Ex-Watcher Guy from Sunnydale!  
  
**Giles:**  
Here I am in Sunnydale,  
Haunted by suspicious glances,  
Trying to construct a tale  
With supernatural nuances,  
Something that will not feel stale,  
Something where the plot advances,  
Never did a British male  
Have such trying circumstances,  
It's no wonder I look pale  
When I contemplate my chances.  
  
**Chorus:** All hail!  All hail!  
The Ex-Watcher Guy from Sunnydale!  


  
**Giles:**Ladies and gentlemen, I have decided that the only way for us to avoid the same sort of suffering we've had the last three years is to avoid plot arcs all together.  So I hereby decree that the season will consist entirely of stand-alone Monster of the Week episodes.  I have been doing a great deal of research _(holds up a stack of B-Movie videotapes)_, and I believe there should be no difficulty in rounding up enough gruesome creatures to fill out twenty-two episodes.    


_sings_

> As someday it may happen that a monser must be slain,  
I've got a little list -- I've got a little list  
Of trite, annoying archetypes that always cause me pain,  
And that never would be missed -- they never would be missed.  
There's the brooding gothic vamp who must insist on wearing black,  
And the sex-crazed serial murderers who sign their letters "Jack,"  
And all mutated giant bugs by radiation spawned,  
And aliens in UFOs who land on your front lawn,  
And those annoying cheesy things that look like glowing mist --  
They'd none of them be missed, they'd none of them be missed.  
  
**Chorus**:   
He's got them on the list -- he's got them on the list,  
And they'd none of them be missed -- they'd none of them be missed.  
  
**Giles:**  
Assorted giant reptiles, and also giant apes,  
And brain attacking parasites -- I've got them on the list.  
And gooey blobs that kill people and then assume their shapes --  
They never would be missed -- they never would be missed.  
The snotty Lestat wannabe who dresses like a poof,  
And hangs around in nightclubs trying hard to look aloof,  
And the scarlet-lipped seductresses with cleavage down to here  
Who'll rip your throat out once they're done with nibbling on your ear,  
And anything with tentacles -- no, really, I insist!  
I don't think they'll be missed -- I don't think they'll be missed.  
  
**Chorus**: He's got them on the list, etc.  
  
**Giles:**  
All evil children I can find, and also evil toys,  
And horny devil-worshippers -- I've got them on the list.  
And anything that's played by just a disembodied voice --  
They'd none of them be missed, they'd none of them be missed.  
And all those sick, perverted things from Japanese cartoons,  
Like -- well -- you know, the knobbly ones, with eyes that look like spoons.  
And anything that showed up in a movie by Ed Wood --  
I'm sure that you could name them all much better than I could.  
But it really doesn't matter what you put upon the list,  
For they'll none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed.  
  
**Chorus**: He's got them on the list, he's got them on the list, etc.. 

**Giles**: Spike!  Just the vamp I wanted to see.  I need your assistance.  
  
**Spike**: Bugger off.  
  
**Giles**: I haven't even told you what I --  
  
**Spike**: Do I look like I care?  I may be a mere snarky comic relief now, but at heart, I'm still the big bad, dammit!  I refuse to be helpful!  
  
**Giles**: I'll pay cash.  
  
**Spike**: What do you need?  
  
**Giles**: _(gives him money)_ I need twenty-two different demons to server as MOTWs for this season.  Since you're part of the community, so to speak, I thought you could help me round them up.  
  
**Spike**: What?  Betray my own kind?  Hand them over to the Slayer for mass slaughter?  What kind of vamp do you-- _(Giles hands him more money)_ -- sure, when do you need them?  
  
**Giles**: I have all the details worked out, but let's talk about it somewhere else.  Buffy will be here any moment, and I don't want to hear another round of her complaining about how she has no love life any more.  
  


_Exit Spike and Giles_

  


_Enter the FANGEEK chorus_

> **Chorus**:  
Comes a horde of TV viewers  
Filled with curiosity:  
Who are this year's evildoers,  
What, oh what the plot could be?  
  
How will Buffy thrive or falter  
Now that high school's done?  
What events will shock or jolt her  
In the Dale of Sun?  
  
How much tension will she suffer,  
How much should she fear?  
Will a new guy come to boff her  
In her freshman year?  
  
Viewers we, across the nation,  
Filled with curiosity,  
Wond'ring with anticipation  
What on erth this plot will be?  


_Enter BUFFY, WILLOW, and ANYA_

  


> **Buffy, Willow and Anya:**  
Three little Hellmouth maids are we,  
If you see us you'd better flee,  
Dating us leads to misery,  
Three little Hellmouth maids!  
  
**Buffy**: I want to live like a normal lass.  
  
**Willow**: I want to sign up for drama class.  
  
**Anya**: I want to drool over Xander's ass.  
  
**Together**: Three little Hellmouth maids!  
Three little maidens, young and charming,  
Looking so innocent and disarming,  
But each in her way is quite alarming,  
Three little Hellmouth maids!  
  
**Buffy**: One little maid is the Chosen One.  
  
**Willow**: Two little maids are just having fun.  
  
**Anya**: Three little maids from whom you should run.  
  
**Together**: Three little Hellmouth maids!  
  
**Buffy**: Three little maids all in one spot.  
  
**Willow**: Three little maids are hot to trot.  
  
**Anya**: If we could only get a plot.  
  
**Together**: Three little Hellmouth maids!  
Three little maidens, young and charming, etc... 

_Enter Giles and Spike_  
  
**Giles**: _(sees Buffy)_ Crap, she's still here.  
  
**Buffy**: Giles!  This is terrible!  The semester is in full swing, and I haven't had a single date!  I don't know what to do with myself.  
  
**Giles**: You could try studying.  
  
**Buffy**: Honestly, I don't know where you get these ideas.  Must be a British thing. _(Riley comes in.  Buffy sees him and immediately comes running over, followed by Willow and Anya.  All three of them talk together)_ Hey, aren't you my psych TA?  Are you going to be in all my classes?  Wow, you have great arms!  Are you going to be the new love interest?  You're not going to go all evil-demony on me, are you?  My last love interest went all evil-demony, and I had to send him to Hell, and I don't want to do that again!  
  
**Willow**: Wow, you're the best-looking guy we've seen this season!  Are you going to be Buffy's new boyfriend?  She always gets the best-looking guy to be her boyfriend, 'cause she's the lead.  Just please don't turn evil on her, 'cause that's what the last one did, and then she left town and we had to take over all the slaying for the summer, and I don't want to do that again!  
  
**Anya**: Hi, are you going to be Buffy's new orgasm friend?  I know she really wants one.  I think everyone should have an orgasm friend.  Mine is Xander. I hope you become Buffy's, 'cause otherwise she might go after Xander herself, and then I'd have to go back to being a vengeance demon, and I don't want to do that again!  
  
**Giles**: And who might this be?  
  
**Riley**: My name is Riley Finn, sir.  I was hoping to apply for the job of Buffy's love interest.  
  
**Giles**: I can't imagine why.  The last poor sod that tried it ended up in Hell.  
  
**Riley**: _(strikes a pose)_ Life without Buffy is Hell already!  
  
**Giles**: Oh, please.  
  
**Spike**: I think I'm gonna be sick.  
  
**Riley**: Hey, it was worth a shot.  
  
**Giles**: It would be more effective if you didn't look like so much like an advert for apple pie while you were saying it.  
  
**Riley**: What's wrong with apple pie?  
  
**Spike**: I _am_ gonna be sick.  
  
**Buffy**: _(threateningly, to Spike)_ Hey, aren't you a vampire?  Shouldn't I be staking you or something?  
  
**Spike**: You can't, I have a contract.  
  
**Giles**: Come on, Spike, we have some demons to round up.  The rest of you... go do some homework or something.  
  
_Exit everybody, except Buffy and Riley_  
  
**Riley**: Finally, some privacy!  I can't believe I came here all the way from Iowa, only to get stuck in a romance-free season.  
  
**Buffy**: I know, it's a bummer.  
  
**Riley**: But you'd date me if you could, wouldn't you?  
  
**Buffy**: Whoo-yeah.  
  
**Riley**: Great!  So let's do it, then. You're in college now, you don't have to listen to your Watcher.  
  
**Buffy**: Are you kidding?  He's in charge of the plot!  God knows what he'll do if we don't listen to him.  
  
**Riley**: I thought he was too nice to abuse his friends?  
  
**Buffy**: You're not his friend.  
  
**Riley**: Good point...   
  
**Buffy**: Besides, I'm afraid you're just too normal to make a successful love interest.  The Geekado has decreed that all my boyfriends must have a deep, dark secret of some sort.  
  
**Riley**: But... _(aside)_ Should I tell her?  I suppose I'd better. _(to Buffy)_ Well, then you're in luck, because I have something to confess.  I'm not just a simple psych TA.  
  
**Buffy**: I knew it!  You're evil, aren't you?  You're going to make me kill you, I just know it, it's going to be one big angst-fest all over again, I always--  
  
**Riley**: No wait!  It's not like that at all.  It's just that... _(dramatic pause)_  I'm actually an Initiative commando.  
  
**Buffy**: _(intrigued)_  A commando?  Really?  Do you get to wear a uniform?  Is it leather?  Are you "going commando" right now?  And why didn't you tell me this before?  
  
**Riley**: Yes, no, none of your business, and I hadn't had a chance until now. See, I joined the Initiative specifically to qualify myself for the role of love interest.  Because I was so anxious to be accepted, I made sure to show a lot of enthusiasm during the recruitment interview.  Unfortunately Maggie Walsh, the scientist in charge of the project, misinterpreted by boyish exuberance, and decided that I was joining up for _her_ sake.  
  
**Buffy**: You mean she... eeew!  
  
**Riley**: She's a very jealous, possessive type, and nothing I could say or do would put her off.  This is why I've been so discreet about courting you -- if she found out, she'd be even more pissed off than Giles.  
  
**Buffy**: That may be true, but trust me -- Giles is the one we have to worry about.  
  
**Riley**:Still, wouldn't it be great if we could ignore him just for a bit?  I could take off my shirt, like this. _(removes shirt)_  
  
**Buffy**: _(after a momentary swoon)_  And I could snuggle up to you, like this. _(snuggles up)_  
  
**Riley**: And I could put my arms around you like this. _(hugs her)_  And nibble on your neck like this--  
  
**Buffy**: _(pushing him away)_ But you can't.  So we won't.  
  
**Riley**: Darn.  
  
**Buffy**: Quick, we gotta get out of here before Giles gets back.  If he sees you shirtless, he'll kill you off in the next episode.  
  
**Riley**: He wouldn't really-- would he?  
  
**Buffy**: Let's not find out.  
  
_Exit, in opposite directions_  
  
_Enter Giles_  
  
**Giles**: _(looking after Buffy)_ There she goes.  Thinking nasty things about me, no doubt.  I hate to have her mad at me, but a Watcher must do what a Watcher must do.  Ah, the burden of-- _(enter Spike and Xander)_ What are you two doing here?  You've interrupted me in mid-rant.  
  
**Xander**: Tough.  I have a letter from Joss here for you.  _(hands Giles a letter)_  
  
**Giles**: A letter from the Geekado?  What the devil does he want now?  _(opens the letter, reads)_ Uh-oh.  It seems that Joss has heard about my monster-of-the-week plan for the season, and he's not happy with it.  He insists there must be a multi-episode arc, and if I don't come up with one, he'll come back and do it himself.  But that would mean he'd have to cut his vacation short, and that would make him very annoyed.  And we all know what happens to characters when Joss gets annoyed, don't we? _(They all look at each other and shudder)_  I'm afraid there's no help for it.  I'll have to come up with a plot. But who should I center it on...  
  
**Xander**: I think you should make yourself the protagonist.  I'm told that characterization is very important in these things, and you know your own character better than anyone else's, right?  
  
**Giles**:  Make myself the protagonist of my own plot?  Absolutely not!  It would be an egregious conflict of interest.  Totally unethical.  I'm shocked that you would even suggest such a thing.  _(turns to Spike)_  I know!  I'll make _you_ the protagonist.  It would be a promotion -- from snarky comic relief to wisecracking antihero.  
  
**Spike**: Yeah, I'm sure I'd be honored.  But you can forget it.  I'm too cool to have a plot.  
  
**Giles**: Too cool?  What kind of lame excuse is that?  
  
**Spike**: It's in my contract. _(shows him the contract)_  
  
**Giles**: So it is.  Damn.  What are we going to do?  
  


> **Spike**:  
I'm so cool  
That women drool  
To see me prance  
In tight black pants.  
You'd think a man  
With my elan  
Could get a spot  
Of decent plot  
But decent plot  
I haven't got  
So here I rot.  
  
**Giles**:  
I have a need  
With all due speed  
To spin a tale  
For Sunnydale.  
Yet how can I,  
Ex-Watcher Guy,  
Abuse my friends?  
I'm at loose ends.  
But this means Joss  
Will become cross.  
I'm at a loss.  
  
**Xander**:  
I've been attacked  
By hyena packs,  
Man-eating bugs,  
Swimmers on drugs.  
A spellbound Joyce  
And zombie boys  
Have also tried  
Some Xandercide.  
My nerves are shot  
Give me no plot,  
I'd rather not.  
  
**Spike**:  
And though I know  
We must have a show,  
And stories tense  
With much suspense  
Must soon commence,  
Yet common sense  
And self-defense  
Reject your plans.  
  
**Giles**:  
Although, I know  
I must write a show  
With angst and pain,  
I strive in vain,  
For it is plain  
That such campaign  
Goes against my grain,  
So I refrain.  
  
**Xander**:  
And so, my bro,  
It's simply no go.  
Don't blow a fuse,  
Attempt no ruse,  
You'll not amuse.  
I have no use  
For more abuse,  
So I refuse.  
  
**All together**:  
We'd rather be run over in a parking lot,  
Or tossed into a dungeon with some rats to rot,  
We'd rather all be castrated with knives red-hot  
Than be the central subject of a Whedon plot!  


_Exit Spike and Xander._  
  
**Giles**: I can't believe neither one of them wants to be the protagonist! Whatever happened to ambition? Initiative?  Pride in one's work? Why, when I was a young lad-- _(enter Riley, sulking)_ Oh, now what?  Can't a man finish a rant in peace around here?  
  
**Riley**: Rant away, don't mind me.  I'm just going to sit here and brood.  
  
**Giles**: Oh, god, not another brooder!  We just got rid of Angel.  I was really hoping for a brood-free season.  
  
**Riley**: Tough.  You won't let me date Buffy, so I'm going to sit and brood. _(sits and broods)_  
  
_Giles walks around him in a circle, observing._  
  
**Giles**: I say, you're not very good at this, are you?  That's more of a sulk than a brood.  
  
**Riley**: I'll get better with practice.  
  
**Giles**: _(aghast)_ Practice?!  My dear boy, you can't hone your brooding skills with mere practice!  You need experience!  You need pain! Angst! Suffering! You need-- _(pause, as the idea sinks in.. aside)_ A plot! _(to Riley)_ Look, I can help you with this.  You're really determined to become and expert brooder?  
  
**Riley**: I am.  
  
**Giles**: Then let me put you into a plot.  A proper, deeply traumatic, Jossian plot.  I guarantee, by the time the season's over, you'll be the champion brooder on the network.  
  
**Riley**: Yeah?  And what's in it for me, exactly?  
  
**Giles**: Are you kidding?  There will be fight scenes, tons of dialogue, gratuitous shirtless scenes, opportunities for scenery-chewing, and a major, major role in the climactic season-ending battle.  You'll probably even get to save the world a time or two.  Or at least help.  I'm sure I can arrange it.  
  
**Riley**: _(thinks it over)_ Hmm... Okay, I'll tell you what -- I'll be in your plot, if you let me be Buffy's love interest.  
  
**Giles**: Oh, come on!  
  
**Riley**: That's the deal, take it or leave it.  
  
**Giles**: I couldn't possibly--  
  
**Riley**: Fine.  I'll take my chances with practicing, then. _(Goes back to brooding.)_  
  
**Giles**: Look, it's just not that easy.  Think how the B/A shippers will react if they found out I gave Buffy another love interest!  My life will become incredibly difficult.  
  
**Riley**: Not nearly as difficult as mine will become once the plot kicks in.  
  
**Giles**: There is that...  Well, all right, but remember, I can make no guarantees beyond this season.  Once the Geekado takes over again next year, anything might happen.  
  
**Riley**: That's okay.  A single season with Buffy is reward enough, even if I get killed off in the finale.  
  
**Giles**:  I don't know how she does that... _(to Riley)_  It's a deal then.  _(They shake on it.)_  Come on, let's announce it to the rest of the cast.  
  
_Enter Spike, Xander, Buffy, Willow, Anya, and Chorus of Townspeople_  
  


> **Chorus**: With mounting fear  
And sense of gloom  
We come to hear  
About our doom  
Please tell us, do,  
Of our sad lot,  
Let us know who  
Will suffer this year's plot.  
  
**Spike**:  
Quit stalling, mate, and spit it out,  
 Who gets the shaft this year?  
  
**Giles**:  
No cause to be concerned, my friends,  
I've got the man right here.  
  
**All**: Insert your favorite version of a rousing cheer!  
  
**Giles**:  It's Riley Finn!  
  
**All**: Hail Riley Finn!  
  
**Giles**: Think he'll fit in?  
  
**All**: Sure, he'll fit in!  
  
**Giles**:  
He'll take the plot if I let Buffy date him,  
Though it'll make a lot of people hate him.  
It might be kinder just to let him flee.  
I wish him well,  
But truth to tell,  
I'm happy that it's him rather than me.  
  
**All**: Ah, yes!  You're happy that it's him, and so are we!  
  
**Riley**: I'll take the brunt of this year's strife,  
**Buffy**: So I may have a social life.  
**Riley**: So there will be a share of pain...  
**Buffy**: You're dating me, so don't complain.  
  
**Buffy, Riley, and Chorus:**  
Too late to run,  
Too late to plan,  
Let's have our fun  
While we still can,  
Let's seize the day,  
Though not for keeps,  
You know we'll pay  
In time for sweeps.  
  
**Anya**: You'll get to have a lot of sex.  
**Buffy**: You'll get to drop your shirt and flex.  
**Spike**: If I were you, I'd cut and run.  
**Anya**: Oh, I can't wait, this should be fun!  
  
**Chorus**: Too late to run, etc...  
  
**Spike**:  
Where men with brains would run away,  
You've foolishly rushed in.  
There's really not much point to say  
"Good luck to Riley Finn."  
Bt since I'm such an evil bloke,  
I think I can be crude,  
And tell you now, and it's no joke,  
"Oh, man, you're really screwed!"  
  
**Chorus**: Too late to run, etc. 

_Everyone frolics around the lawn, doing the Dorky!Dance._  
  
_Enter Maggie Walsh_  
  
**Walsh**: Stop this obnoxious and annoying din!  
  
**Chorus**:   
What is this sight we shake to see?  
An older female on TV!  
  
**Walsh**:   
I'm staking prior claim to Riley Finn!  
So hand him over, you pathetic lot!  
  
**Chorus**: Stop ranting, lady, try to get a grip!  
  
**Walsh**: I only want my fair share of the plot!  
  
**Chorus**: You're too old for our target viewership!  
  
**Riley**: _(to Buffy)_ It's Maggie Walsh, I was afraid she'd find us! _(Tries to slink offstage.)_  
  
**Walsh**:   
Oh no! With me you'll go!  
We'll leave these silly college kids behind us!  
  
_Walsh grabs Riley by the back of his shirt and tries to haul him off. Buffy grabs the front of his shirt and pulls in the other direction.  A brief tug-of-war ensues, ending when the shirt rips apart.  Buffy and Walsh stumple back, each holding a piece.  Riley is left standing in the middle, shirtless.  He looks startled for a moment, then recovers himself and flexes.  Walsh makes a grab for him, and he runs and hides behind Buffy._  
  
_Willow faces off with Walsh_  
  


> **Willow**:  
Get lost, you mean and bitchy hag,  
Your presence is a major drag,  
Don't show your face here!  
No use to hiss and chomp the bit,  
Our demographic you don't fit,  
You have no place here.  
  
For... she's going to date Riley Finn.  
  
**All**: Finn-Finn!  
  
**Willow**:  
She's noted his arms,  
And his Iowa charms,  
And his goofy, adorable grin.  
  
**All**: Grin-grin!  
  
**Willow**:  
There's simply no way you can win.  
So drop this annoying campaign.  
And don't try to worm your way in.  
  
**All**: In-In!  
  
**Willow**:  
  
We clearly don't want you,  
We're going to taunt you,  
And aim a few kicks at your shin.  
  
**All**: Shin-shin!  
  
**Willow**: We don't want to hear you complain!  
  
**Walsh**:  
The season's story  
Is kicking in,  
My chance at glory  
Is growing thin.  
No sense in rueing  
This thankless lot,  
Scenery chewing, scenery chewing  
Is all that I've now got.  
  
You'll pay for this, you bunch of pesky kids!  
I will reveal the secret that you hid!  
_(to Buffy)_ Don't think you can disguise your lover!  
  
**Riley**: She'll turn me in!  
  
**Walsh**: For I'm about to blow his cover!  
  
**Riley**: How can we win?  
  
**Walsh**: This handsome man is not your friend, oh!  
  
**Buffy**: I'll give it a spin.  
  
**Walsh**: He's an Initiative--  
  
_As she tries to get the line out, the others drown her out by singing the WB jingle_  
  
**Buffy, Riley, and Chorus**: Yabba-dabba-WB!  
  
**Walsh**:   
You'll reap no benefit from this crescendo,  
This man is an Initiative--  
  
**All**: Yabba-dabba-WB!  
  
**Walsh**: This shouting--  
  
**All**: Yabba-dabba-WB!  
  
**Walsh**: Is a useless trend, oh!  
  
**All**: Yabba-dabba-WB!  
  
**Walsh**: He's a--  
  
**All**: Yabba-dabba-WB!  
  
**Walsh**: He's a--  
  
**All**: Yabba-dabba-WB!  
  
**Walsh**: He's an Initiative--  
  
**All**: Yabba-dabba-WB!  
  
**Walsh**:  
This youthful crime  
You will regret!  
I go, but I'm  
Not finished yet!  


_Walsh storms off-stage._  
  
_Buffy and Riley kiss, while the rest of the cast continues doing the Dorky!Dance around them, as the curtain falls_  
  
**End of Act I.**  



	2. The Geekado -- Act 2

# The Geekado

## or, The Town of Sunnydale

### Libretto by Mariner

### Music by Arthur Sullivan

  


## Act 2

* * *

_Scene: Giles' House.  Buffy, Willow, Xander and Anya are sitting around the coffee table doing research._  
  


> **All**:  
Read the ancient tome,  
Research 'till we're blue.  
Learn to feel at home  
With Greek, and Latin too.  
Learn to recognize  
Spell and prophecy,  
Strain your tired eyes  
With calligraphy.  
Careful research, well applied  
Makes for better vampicide.  
  
**Willow**:  
_(typing on a laptop)_  
Surf the web all night,  
Try to get a clue,  
Search the Wiccan sites  
For some spells to do.  
Memorize some chants,  
Meditate and pray.  
It's a game of chance  
That I love to play.  
Magic, properly applied  
Makes for better vampicide.  
  
**All**: Read the ancient tome, etc... 

**Buffy**: This is boring.  Why do we need to do all this research, anyway, it's not like we don't know what's going to happen.  Some monster will come to town, it will look unbeatable, the end of the world will loom, yadda yadda, and then I'll kick it's butt anyway.  It _always_ happpens like that. That's why I'm the Slayer.  


_sings_

> The vamps who shun the midday sun  
And think themselves protected  
Will find out fast  
That their repast  
Will not go as expected.  
They think they might be safe at night,  
But it is a misplaced trust;  
A well-aimed flick  
Of my pointy stick  
Will turn them all into dust.  
  
Their nighttime killing spree  
Will not prevail,  
The night belongs to me  
In Sunnydale!  
  
The demons who stray into light of day  
Will not be more successful,  
For they'll have found that I am bound  
To make their lives more stressful.  
They may terrorize the passerbys,  
But they will always find  
That I am quick  
To thoroughly kick  
Their demony behinds.  
  
If they get out of line,  
I'm on their trail.  
The day is also mine  
In Sunnydale!  


**Buffy**: You know, I think this will be a good year for me.  I'm out of high school, I'm going to live in a cool big dorm room, kick ass, _and_ have a major hottie for a boyfriend.  Life is good.  
  
**Anya**: Yeah.  Too bad about Riley, though.  
  
**Xander**: Anya...  
  
**Buffy**: What do you mean?  
  
**Anya**: Well, he did volunteer to be the center of the plot in order to date you.  That means all sorts of horrible, painful things are going to happen to him.  
  
**Xander**: Anya, remember that talk we had last week about the concept of diplomatic silence?  
  
**Willow**: Anyway, we don't positively _know_ that something bad is going to happen.  Maybe it will be a nice, non-traumatic plot.  
  
**Anya**: Yeah, right.  On this show?  
  
**Buffy**: I can't believe you're even bringing this up!  Here I am, trying so hard to be cheerful, and you have to go and ruin it. _(Starts crying.)_  
  
_Enter Riley_  
  
**Riley**: Sorry I'm late, I-- Buffy!  What's wrong, why are you crying?  
  
**Buffy**: Anya's been reminding me that you've volunteered to be the center of the plot, and horrible, painful things are going to happen to you! _(Bursts into tears.)_  
  
**Willow**: Yes, horrible, painful things are going to happen to you! _(Bursts into tears.)_  
  
**Anya**: It's true -- horrible, painful things are going to happen to you._(Bursts into giggles.)_  
  
**Riley**: _(Aside, quietly.)_ You know, some guys would consider this a drawback in a relationship.  _(Aloud.)_ There, there, honey, it'll be all right.  Sure, there will be some unpleasantness, but if I don't mind, why should you?  And think of all the lovely gratuitous sex scenes we'll get to have.  
  
**Buffy**: _(Sniffling.)_ You p-promise?  
  
**Riley**: Absolutely.  
  
**Buffy**: There will be smoochies?  
  
**Riley**: Tons!  
  
**Buffy**: And shirtlessness?  
  
**Riley**: Say the word, and I'll burn every shirt I own.  
  
**Buffy**: _(Sniffling.)_ Then I guess it's okay.  
  
**Riley**: See, I told you.  _(To others.)_ Give us some privacy, please?  
  
_Exit Willow, Anya and Xander.  Buffy and Riley sit down on the couch and start necking._  
  
_Enter Giles, with box of donuts._  
  
**Giles**: I'm back!  I can't believe you made me do the donut run when it's my ho--  Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.  
  
**Riley**: That's all right, sir, we'll go somewhere else.  
  
**Giles**: Oh, please don't leave on my account.  After all, your romance is now an integral part of the season.  If I'm to write the plot, I must get used to it.  Please, go back to what you were doing.  
  
**Buffy**: We wouldn't want to embarrass you or anything.  
  
**Giles**: Not at all.  Go on, let's see you kiss.  
  
**Riley**: Like that? _(Kisses Buffy.)_  
  
**Giles**: Perfect.  _(Acts distraught.)_  Oh dear, oh dear...  
  
**Buffy**: We _are_ embarrassing you.  
  
**Giles**: No, really, I'm fine.  Keep going.  Try nibbling on her ear. _(Riley nibbles on Buffy's ear.  Giles ostentatiously dabs his eyes with a handkerchief.)_ That's just lovely... Oh, you poor children!  I can't stand it!  
  
**Buffy**: All right, Giles, spit it out.  What's wrong?  
  
**Giles**: My poor girl!  I'm so sorry!  I just don't know how to break it to you...  
  
**Buffy**: What is it, Giles?  Tell me.  
  
**Giles**: There has been a new directive from The Powers That Be.  It appears that Buffy is only allowed to date vampires.  
  
**Buffy and Riley**: What?!  
  
**Giles**: _(Much distraught.)_ It's true.  Any man you date, if he's not a vampire already, must be turned into one before the season is over.  
  
**Buffy**: But-- but-- but we've already done that plot!  It's over!  And now you're saying Riley must be turned into a vampire?  I can't go through all that again!  I just can't!  
  
**Riley**: I'm not crazy about it, either.  
  
**Buffy**: The angst, the wallowing, the moping, the brooding... I refuse to deal with all that for another season!  
  
**Riley**: Besides, I _like_ daylight.  And church.  And food that doesn't bleed.  Oh, and not being dead -- I like that a lot, too.  
  


> **Buffy**:  
Here's an awful fate:  
If we start to date,  
You will join the vampire lobby,  
Evil will become your hobby,  
_Not_ a charming trait!  
What an awful fate!  
  
**Riley**:  
Here's appalling news,  
If to date we choose,  
I will wind up fanged and vicious,  
Finding human blood delicious.  
I am not enthused.  
What appalling news!  
  
**Giles**:  
Her's a bugger-all:  
If in love they fall,  
He'll be vamped by end of season,  
So they dither with good reason,  
What a judgement call!  
Here's a bugger-all!  
  
**Buffy and Riley:**  
I enjoy your company,  
And I find you hot,  
But our romance proves to be  
An unwelcome lot.  
If what he says is true,  
I can't go out with you.  
Here's a truly awful fate,  
Here's a bugger-all!  
  
**Buffy**: Here's an awful twist of fate!  
  
**Riley**: Here's appalling news!  
  
**Giles**: Here's a bugger-all!  
  


**Giles**:  I'm terribly sorry, I really am, but it's completely out of my hands.  You know how it is with directives from a higher authority.  
  
**Buffy**: Well, I've had it!  If I'm not allowed to date normal guys, then I'm not going to date anyone at all.  I'm declaring celibacy.  For life.  
  
**Riley**: Oh, well, back to brooding for me, I guess.  _(to Giles)_ It's too bad about your plot, sir.  You'll have to find someone else now.  
  
**Giles**: Now, wait a minute, you--  
  
_Enter Spike_  
  
**Spike**: Giles, get your tweedy ass out here!  Joss is on his way here right now, and he's got Maggie Walsh with him.  They want to see you!  
  
**Giles**: Oh, no!  He must be coming to check on how the plot is progressing, and I haven't even started yet!  I'd better go see if I can stall him.  
  
_Exit Giles and Spike_  
  
_Scene: UC Sunnydale Campus.  Enter a dancing chorus of FANGEEKS, STAFF WRITERS, and PRODUCERS, heralding the arrival of JOSS._  
  
**Chorus**: We're not worthy! We're not worthy!  
  


> **Joss**:  
All characters, high and low  
I rule with an iron fist.  
I'm the creator of the show--  
  
**Walsh**:  
And I'm this season's antagonist!  
Bursting at the seams  
With clever schemes  
Is this season's antagonist!  
  
**Joss**:  
My wry and caustic wit  
Is difficult to resist--  
  
**Walsh**:  
And he shall tailor it to fit  
This season's antagonist!  
Applaud--  Applaud--  
This season's antagonist!  
  
**Joss**:  
My work's been widely praised  
On many a critic's list--  
  
**Walsh**:  
And yet its level can still be raised  
By this season's antagonist!  
Applaud-- Applaud--  
This season's antagonist!  
  
**All**:  
Applaud-- Applaud--  
This season's antagonist!  
  
**Joss**:  
A more sadistic writer never  
In Hollywood did thrive.  
Of every hope  
To succeed or cope  
My characters I deprive.  
It is my firm determination,  
To which I steadily cling  
To immerse my cast  
In an ocean vast  
Of horrible suffering.  
  
My weekly show I run  
With intent to astonish and stun,  
And provide a source of sadistic fun,  
A source of sadistic fun!  
My razor wit I bring  
To accomplish just one thing:  
To spread the maximum suffering,  
The maximum suffering!  
  
My cute blond lead, though she may do well  
In plain old everyday strife,  
Will have no chance a  
At a normal romance  
For the rest of her natural life.  
The redheaded witch, so sweet and shy,  
Her spells will never work.  
She may be clever,  
But she will forever  
Consider herself a dork.  
  
The humorous sidekick, loyal and true,  
Shall have no steady job.  
He'll wind up bored  
And mostly ignored,  
And living like a slob.  
The Ex-Watcher Guy with his tweedy clothes  
Will lose his job and his car.  
He'll be forced to croon  
Outdated tunes  
In a crowded espresso bar.  
  
My weekly show I run  
With intent to astonish and stun,  
And provide a source of sadistic fun,  
A source of sadistic fun!  
My razor wit I bring  
To accomplish just one thing:  
To spread the maximum suffering,  
The maximum suffering!  
  
**Chorus**: His weekly show he runs, etc...  
  
**Joss:**  
The werewolf dude, so quiet and calm,  
Will not avoid dismay.  
He'll return to his lover  
In time to discover  
She's swung the other way.  
The British vamp, so sexy and cool,  
He, too, shall feel my clout.  
He'll be equipped  
With a brainwashy chip  
That keeps him from dining out.  
  
The angsty vamp with a Gypsy curse,  
His fate is truly unique:  
He gets to dress gay  
And live in L.A.  
With a British Ex-Watcher Geek.  
And there he'll work to redeem his soul  
In the private detective trade.  
He'll stay out all night  
To brood and fight,  
And never-ever get laid!  
  
My weekly show I run  
With intent to astonish and stun,  
And provide a source of sadistic fun,  
A source of sadistic fun!  
My razor wit I bring  
To accomplish just one thing:  
To spread the maximum suffering,  
The maximum suffering!  
  
**Chorus**: His weekly show he runs, etc...  


_Enter Giles, Spike, and Willow_  
  
**Giles**: _(To Joss.)_  Your Geekiness!  What a delightful surprise!  
  
**Joss**: Hello, Giles.  I've come to see how this season's plot is doing.  
  
**Giles**:  Oh, it's coming along swimmingly!  Isn't it, Spike?  
  
**Spike**: Yeah, it's bloody marvelous.  
  
**Joss**: Is everyone suffering sufficiently, then?  
  
**Giles**: More than sufficiently, Your Geekiness.  There is danger, angst, pain, and wallowing galore!  
  
**Spike**: Blood and guts everywhere.  
  
**Giles**: In fact, I'm sure every regular and most of the recurring characters will have complete nervous breakdowns just in time for sweeps.  You wouldn't believe all the suffering I've been spreading around.  
  
**Joss**: Tell me about it, then.  


> **Giles**:  
It began with omens, gruesome and dark,  
And a prophecy of doom.  
Hope was a swiftly dying spark  
When the shadows began to loom.  
Apocalypse was upon us again,  
The heavens trembled and shook.  
Yet there was a way  
To save the day,  
And I found it in a book.  
When faced with destruction,  
Appropriate action  
May not be easy to find,  
And I'm happy to say,  
I saved the day  
With my calm and erudite mind.  
  
**Chorus**:  
We're telling you,  
His tale is true,  
To this we testify.  
He's an honest man,  
Nine times of ten.  
He's far too British to lie!  
  
**Willow**:  
The solution called for a difficult spell  
That only I could cast.  
'Twas far more dangerous, truth to tell,  
Than any I've done in the past.  
I knew that it was a terrible risk,  
Yet one that I had to take.  
As the darkness grew,  
I knew what to do,  
With so many lives at stake.  
When life is a bitch,  
A talented witch  
Is a useful person to know.  
And I humbly submit,  
That bill I fit,  
As I had a chance to show.  
  
**Chorus**:  
Her tale may seem  
A twisted dream,  
But we can all attest  
Her honesty  
Is of high degree,  
Whenever she thinks it best.  
  
**Spike**:  
In the meantime, back at the cemetery,  
The night was starlit and hot.  
With grace and skill extraordinary,  
I was kicking Slayer butt.  
She fought quite well,  
But I could tell  
I had the upper hand,  
So generously,  
I let her flee,  
'Cause else the show would end.  
A good villain knows  
To stay on his toes,  
And to have a contingency plan.  
And he also must know  
When to let it go,  
Or else the whole show would end.  
  
**Chorus**:  
We know this vamp,  
He is the champ  
At sticking to the facts.  
He'll sell his mum  
For a pack of gum,  
But his story is exact!  
  
**All**: His story, his story, his story is exact!  


_Exit Chorus_  
  
**Joss**: Well, Giles, it certainly sounds as if you have the suffering well in hand.  I guess I can go back to--  
  
**Walsh**: Liars!  _(to Joss)_  They're lying, oh Most Exalted Geekiness, and I can prove it! _(Produces a thick stack of computer print-out from beneath her lab coat.)_  Look -- I have downloaded all these shooting scripts from the web, and they're nothing but monster-of-the-week stories!  
  
**Joss**: _(Flipping through the print-out.)_ Monster-of-the-week!  How lame is that?  Explain yourself, Giles.  
  
**Giles**: _(Desperate.)_ Uhm... It's... Uhmm...  
  
**Spike**: Foreshadowing!  
  
**Giles**: Yeah, that's it!  Foreshadowing, and, uhm... lulling the cast into a false sense of security.  But the arc will kick in any moment now, and then we'll have all the angst you could possibly want, I swear.  
  
**Joss**: See that we do.  Otherwise I'll have to cut short my vacation and take over the plot myself.  And I'll put the three of _you_ at the center of it.  
  
**Giles, Spike and Willow:** _(groveling)_  Oh, no, please, Your Geekiness, not that, anything but that! Mercy, please, we beg of you!  
  
**Joss**: You want mercy from _me_?  You've gotta be kidding.  _(Glaring at the three of them)_  I want angst, people.  Now get to it.  
  
_Exit Joss and Maggie Walsh_  
  
**Spike**: You heard the man, Giles.  Get to it.  
  
**Giles**: It's not that simple--  
  
**Willow**: Yes, it is.  It's very simple -- either you write a plot, or Joss comes back from the beach and tortures us.  That's not complicated at all.  
  
**Giles**: You must understand, plots -- especially proper Jossian plots -- don't just come out of thin air.  They take planning, and careful thought, and... and sadism.  I can't--  
  
**Spike**: You can.  And you will.  
  
_Enter Buffy and Riley_  
  
**Giles**: Ah!  Just the two persons I was looking for!  _(Confronts Riley.)_  It's time to live up to your side of the bargain, young man.  Joss has ordered me to kick off the plot, so you must get to work.  
  
**Riley**: There is no bargain.  Buffy has refused to date me if I'm going to turn into a vampire.  
  
**Giles**: What does that have to do with anything?  You agreed to take the plot in exchange for my permission to date Buffy.  I gave my permission.  I made no promises at all regarding _Buffy's_ views on the matter.  
  
**Riley**: _(Resolute.)_ No nookie, no plot.  
  
**Giles**: You must go through with it!  Maggie Walsh has told Jo--  
  
**Riley**: _(Startled)_ Maggie Walsh?  She's here again?  
  
**Giles**: Yes.  She has been named the antagonist for this year, and--  
  
**Riley**: If Maggie Walsh is the antagonist, then I'm definitely out of here. I am _not_ working with her for the rest of the season.  That woman creeps me out.  She's always following me around and groping my butt.  
  
**Buffy**: Hey!  Only I'm allowed to do that!  
  
**Riley**: Damn right.  _(To Giles)_ Either Maggie goes, or I go.  
  
**Giles**: How am I supposed to get rid of her?  She's the antagonist!  
  
**Spike**: Kill her off.  
  
**Giles**: I can't.  She's been approved for the season.  She can't be killed off without her consent.  
  
**Spike**: You'll have to talk her into it, then.  
  
**Giles**: Talk her into being killed voluntarily?  How am I supposed to do that?  
  
**Willow**: You can do it, Giles, I have faith in you.  
  
**Riley**: Look, the bottom line is, if you drop the vampire clause and get rid of Maggie, you're free to torture both me and the audience with whatever plot you come up with.  But if you don't, I'm out of here, and you'll have no plot _and_ no love interest.  What do you think that will do for the ratings, huh?   


_sings_

  


> The ratings that sweep in the spring, Tra-la!  
Bring word of employment and wealth.  
We cheer the renewal they bring, Tra-la!  
As to each new season we cling, Tra-la!  
To ensure our continued good health.  
And that's why we care when we say that a thing  
Is important to ratings that sweep in the spring.  
Tra-la la-la-la!  
Tra-la la-la-la!  
The ratings that sweep in the spring.  
  
**Giles**:  
The ratings that sweep in the spring, Tra-la!  
Are not the main problem we've got.  
For Joss has uncovered out sting, Tra-la!  
And if a new plot I don't bring, Tra-la!  
Our lives will get frightfully hot.  
And that's what I mean when I say or I sing,  
Oh, bugger the ratings that sweep in the spring!  
Tra-la la-la-la!  
Tra-la la-la-la!  
The ratings that sweep in the spring.  


_Exit Giles, Spike, Willow, Buffy and Riley, dancing_  
  
_Enter Maggie Walsh_  


> **Walsh**:  
I want a bigger part, with better lines!  
On the small screen I want a chance to shine.  
I only need two things, if truth be known,  
A plotline, and a boy toy of my own.  
  
A strapping lad  
Who's been corn-fed  
Would keep me glad  
Through night and day.  
A decent chance  
At a romance  
Would much enhance  
My wish to stay.  
And if I stay  
And get my way,  
The plot will be  
Focused on me,  
And Teutonic Boy  
Will be my toy.  
Yes, if I stay,  
And get my way,  
The plot will be  
Focused on me!  
  
Oh, it will be a happy day,  
Yes it will be a happy day!  


_Enter Giles._  
  
**Giles**: Professor Walsh!  I was just looking for you.  
  
**Walsh**: What are you doing here?  You're supposed to be working on the plot. With lots of torrid love scenes between me and Riley.  
  
**Giles**: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.  You see, I'm afraid that Riley is, well... gone.  
  
**Walsh**: Gone?  What do you mean, gone?  You were going to center the whole arc on him!  
  
**Giles**: That was the plan, yes.  But he refused the vampire clause, and The Powers That Be decided to get rid of him.  There was nothing I could do. I'm so dreadfully sorry.  
  
**Walsh**: You don't mean he's... dead?  _(Weeping.)_ Oh, my poor boy toy!  
  
**Giles**: Well, not dead, precisely...  
  
**Walsh**: What then?  Tell me!  
  


> **Giles**:  
The Slayer had gone out patrolling last night  
With Willow, with Willow, with Willow,  
Whereupon she encountered a horrible sight,  
As did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.  
Six vamps had converged on a cemet'ry lawn,  
And Riley was fighting them off all alone,  
"He barely appears to be holding his own,"  
Said Willow, said Willow, said Willow.  
  
The Slayer rushed in with a whoop and a yelp,  
But not Willow, not Willow, not Willow.  
She hung back to determine how best she could help,  
Did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.  
As she watched Buffy fighting the vamps with her stake,  
She decided some magical action to take,  
And that's how she commited her awful mistake,  
Did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.  
  
She lifted her arms and she chanted a spell,  
Did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.  
She cast it just right, and it worked really well  
For Willow, for Willow, for Willow.  
But the vamps had run off with a scream and a hoot,  
And Riley had gotten too close in pursuit,  
And he ended up getting turned into a newt  
By Willow, by Willow, by Willow.  


**Walsh**: _(Weeping.)_  Oh, that's terrible!  Can't he be turned back?  
  
**Giles**: In theory, yes.  In practice... how long has Amy been a rat now?  
  
**Walsh**: But what am I going to do now?  I had hoped for a torrid love triangle with myself, Riley and Buffy.  With Riley gone... what else is there for me to do?  
  
**Giles**: Well... you could always go for a dramatic sudden death.  
  
**Walsh**: What, this early in the season?  
  
**Giles**:  Sure.  No one will be expecting it.  It will be a tremendous shock. People will remember your death forever.  
  
**Walsh**: True, true.  
  
**Giles**: And the actress playing you would be free to work on other projects.  
  
**Walsh**: Also true.  
  
**Giles**: I promise to give you a thundering good death scene.  You'll get a parting monologue and everything.  The audience will love it.  
  
**Walsh**: It could work, I suppose...   


_singing_

> There is drama in an unexpected death.  
It's a ploy that makes the audiences gasp.  
There is viewer excitation  
In a sudden termination,  
That's a concept every character must grasp.  
  
**Giles**:  
Ooh, I shiver in elation  
At a sudden termination,  
It's a concept that's not difficult to grasp.  
  
**Walsh**:  
There's excitement in a premature demise,  
It's a wonderful attention-grabbing trick.  
It has worked in every season,  
I can cite many a reason  
Why a character might wish to perish quick.  
  
**Giles**:  
It's a widely held position  
That a character's condition  
Might be actually improved by dying quick.  
  
**Giles and Walsh:**  
Since that is so,  
Let's be bold and dramatic,  
Do something emphatic  
To make them shout.  
We'll give this show  
A death that's traumatic  
And deeply thematic,  
Without a doubt!  


_Exit Giles and Walsh._  
  
_Enter Joss, followed by groveling Chorus._  
  
**Joss**: All right, where is everybody?  I'm waiting for the plot to start, and so far I'm not impressed.  
  
_Enter Spike, Willow, Giles, and Walsh._  
  
**Giles**: We're ready, Your Geekiness. _(Hands Joss a script.)_  Here, this is the script for the next episode.  As you can see, we're kicking off with a major shock, and it will all escalate from there.  
  
**Joss**: You're killing off Maggie in mid-season?  That's... unexpected.  _(To Walsh.)_ And you're okay with this?  
  
**Walsh**: It seems worth it for the drama, Your Geekiness.  
  
**Joss**: But what are you going to do for an antagonist, then?  
  
**Giles**: Well, earlier I had Spike round up a bunch of demons to be monsters of the week.  Individually, they're too lame to make good recurring villains, but I thought I'd take the scariest part of each demon, and put them together to make one really horrible monster.  
  
**Joss**: _(Dubiously.)_ You're going to make a villain out of a bunch of demon parts?  
  
**Giles**: It will work, Your Geekiness, trust me.  
  
**Joss**: Very well, I approve.  
  
**Giles, Spike and Willow**: Yeah! _(High fives all around.)_  
  
_Enter Buffy and Riley._  
  
**Buffy**: Great!  Does that mean we can make out now?  
  
**Walsh**: Riley!  But-- but-- _(Points to Willow.)_ She turned you into a newt!  
  
**Riley**: I got better.  
  
**Walsh**: Wait a minute!  I object!  
  
**Willow**: Too late.  Joss has approved the script.  Might as well get used to it.   


_sings_

  


> For she's going to boink Riley Finn!  
  
**All**: Finn-Finn!  
  
**Willow**:  
There's no point in grousing,  
They're set on carousing,  
Just take your defeat on the chin.  
  
**All**: Chin-chin!  
  
**Willow**: And follow the script that you're got.  
  
**Giles**: Just learn how to bear it and grin.  
  
**All**: Grin-grin!  
  
**Giles**:  
Good actors our age  
Can do movies and stage,  
So give it a positive spin.  
  
**All**: Spin-spin!  
  
**Giles**: And let us get on with the plot.  
  
**All**:   
Just learn how to bear it and grin,  
Grin-grin!  
Just take your defeat on the chin,  
Chin-chin!  
We clearly don't want you,  
We're going to taunt you,  
And we must get on with the plot!  
  
**Riley**: And now we can enjoy our day,  
**Buffy**: Just as the plot comes into play.  
**Riley**: Though there will be a share of pain,  
**Buffy**: You're dating me, so don't complain.  
  
**All**:  
Too late to run,  
Too late to plan,  
Let's have our fun  
While we still can.  
Let's seize the day,  
Though not for keeps,  
You know we'll pay  
In time for sweeps.  


_Curtain__  
__Finis_.

  



End file.
